Hoi An

We actually went to Nha Trang before travelling to Hoi An. A place not worth mentioning if it weren’t for the fact that lobster was 12 dowaar a kilo. Lobster is pretty sickly though so we only stayed two nights, and besides, the place just looked like Bournemouth.

Being a UNESCO World Heritage site, Hoi An was ripe with sight seeing potential. But unlike places such as Fort Cochi in India (which it very much resembled), Hoi An’s charm seemed more than a little contrived. Touted as, ‘ a living museum piece’, it was exactly that; Although the buildings remained, there was little left of any ambience other than the faux-rustic fairytale being played out for the countless tourists. Like a kind of Disney Land for middle class psuedo intellectual suburbanites, desperate to pump some culture into their kids before they hit their teens.

Hoi An is also famous for it’s tailors, which occupy about four out of every five shops. Two of our good friends where getting married just after we arrive home, and I had nothing to wear. I had grand ideas of a Gram Parsons number, embroidered with a portrait of the happy couple riding swans in a heart-shaped frame across the shoulder blades, but settled for a simple linen one, somewhere between a geography teacher and the man from Del Monte. Twenty five quid. For that price, I got two. It only took them a day to make them, and then about two hours to convince us to take part in some big festival the next day, me in my new attire and Kelly in a traditional Vietnamese outfit. Despite our concerns that we were simply to be paraded around town by ourselves, looking like a sex tourist and an internet bride to drum up some bussiness for the shop, it turned out to be the highlight of our Vietnam trip.

Turns out the festival was really rather huge, as Hoi An had just been given city status, and every business in the city had enlisted a foreigner to sit in their respective, brightly decorated cycle rickshaw. For the next two days we were treated as part of the family, and constantly presented food, beverages and smiles. The food was amazing, even the little snails we all ate while we waited for my mail order bride to be completed. The Kelly came back looking more like a ladyboy, which meant I still looked like a sex tourist though…and a lecherous old queen.

We never did get to see any of the ‘sights’ of Hoi An, but by spending time with and getting to know a real live Vietnamese family, we actually got to see some of the real Vietnam.

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